So this week has been a very long and dragged out one. I have come to terms that I am struggling with some early depression in which I'm trying really hard to get back out of. Being stuck in a deep dark depression is something I never want to go back to, and God has been good and helping me start to climb out but it's still hard. This week marked week number 5 since. I know it is prob. not a good idea to count since my miscarriage, but in a way it almost helps me. It makes me realize how far I have come already. I lost a baby, that is something that no one will ever possibly be able to grasp until they have gone through it and to be this far since it I feel like I am doing really well despite a few things. My emotions are almost a little worse as I am on my first period since. Which on that topic I am so blessed and lucky that I got it so soon as most of my other M/C friends had to wait months and months. I recently have been in the block hole where all I do is sit there and stare at things. I have not been on a computer ( although I do admit to a lot of phone usage from that internet) very often at all except for the past few days. I found myself sitting in the same position staring at the same place in the wall for minutes.. almost hours at a time not even acknowledging that any time has even passed.
Friday and Saturday were by far my worst days I think so far. Friday was most of my non-acknowledging things day. I have tried very hard to get out of the apartment at least once a day and have succeeded to a point, but when I'm out I'm not there. I would get home from being out with a friend and not remember any aspect of any of the time we spent together. I went out Friday after R came home from work and was gone for hours. I do not really remember all that I did that day but I do know that I came home with two bags of things, quite a few in which I have no recollection of buying until several hours later when I remembered. On my way home that day my best friend returned a call that I had earlier placed. I pulled into a parking spot and lost it. As we got off the phone I drove home and tried to pull myself together so Ryan wouldn't know that I had fallen apart. I succeeded for about a hour until he came into the bedroom to check up on me. I was curled into a ball on the bed with my pup beside me almost in a shock. I had tears rolling down my face and a sniffy nose but had no acts of crying or thoughts. Just blank shock, like it had all just settled in. My husband being the absolutely wonderful amazing man I married just crawled into bed with me and held me as I started realizing what was going on and started just weeping.
Saturday came and I had plans with one of my best friends and another girl I had met a few times prior and honestly I wanted nothing more than to not be apart of seeing anyone that day but Ry told me that it was a good idea to get out and I'd enjoy myself. I spent 4 hours getting ready, it took me that long just to wash my face and put on some make-up and straighten half of my hair, I was in robot mood trying to procrastinate. I did enjoy the company as I was out but I found myself really having to urge myself to laugh and smile a lot. Not that I didn't want to laugh or smile but it was just something that was not coming naturally. Saturday evening came and R had his friend over and they were in the spare room on computers. I sat on the couch, had a cd in the xbox and almost the whole cd had played through before I had realized I sat there the whole time with barely processing any thoughts in my head or to go with the music( sleeping with my eyes open?). Ryan came out of the room( thinking i had gone to bed earlier) and urged me to go to bed. He put a favorite movie of mine in the dvd player, my current book on my night stand as well as my contact case, makeup wipes and a full bottle of water. I don't know what I would do without him. That night I tossed and turned for hours before finally taking a ambien to sleep. I was hoping to get some solid sleep but of course there were other things planned. I had a really nice dream.. perfect in fact, but it was followed by a tremendous nightmare. I woke up shaking all anxious and sweating a ton.
Hoping the rest of the week keeps up in today's emotions for they are far better.
Sorry for the earful and I applaud and appreciate anyone who read.
