So it's been officially 8 weeks this weeks since my miscarriage. I think I am finally on the road to recovery. It something that is always going to be hard- and there are days where I just want to crawl into a hole and cry until I can't anymore, but I finally feel more.... sane. I had a mini- break down at the gym this past week. I had to stop the treadmill immediately and run to the rest room where I sat on a bench with my headphones in for a few minutes trying to pull it together. ( I was at the gym with two other people and it wasn't fair to ask them to leave because of me) My friend Becca recognized that there was something wrong when I got back and asked if I had wanted to leave but I didn't want to draw any attention that was not necessary. I hate the random I want to cry moments, but it's those that remind me that what I am dealing with is real and a reason to feel my emotions. It makes me feel better dealing with it than rather never having those feelings in the first place.
I was asked by a friend if I would speak with her friend who was going through the same thing. The week of my miscarriage I got dozens of text's, calls, and e-mails asking if I was okay- and that people were sorry, but you still feel so more alone than you can explain. My husband was amazing and I am thankful he was home- but you are the one going through a huge loss in your body- and withdrawals so to say. My husband asked if I was comfortable speaking to someone else about my experiences that I had not met and hearing about hers, I think he thought it was going to be harder than I thought. I told him my reasons for wanting to talk to her. I had no one there that had had a previous one who really was ... there in that way for me. I had awesome friends who checked up on me, but I'm the type of person who needs to hear someone elses' experience and know that my way of interpreting it was normal and most people don't want to open up old details. That I was not alone in my feelings and everything else. This girl and her husband had also been trying for about the same amount that we had.. have and that excited me. I have yet to meet anyone who has been trying for a baby for the time line we have. Either my friends have gotten pregnant on BC or just randomly, or have been trying for years. I don't have anyone on the same wave length so to say.
So Face book is a terrible thing for mom's like me. And yes I say moms, I may not have a baby in my arms to prove it, but deep down I was a mom. Facebook is the first way most people announce that they are pregnant, and don't get me wrong I am excited for my close friends who get pregnant whether they were trying or not, but going through everything can make you a bit bitter and for lesser words big time green monster. So this past week a few friends have announced either pregnancy or the sex of their 2nd babies. ( why on earth they can have two positive pregnancy's and have them go through through the time we've been trying when I can't have one I've yet to understand lol) So I wrote on my support groups wall about it and this awesome lady- Amanda Poplin said the most wonderful thing that immediately changed my depressed mood to anxious for the future! I'll share it with you.
"When you and I have our baby Cassie we will appreciate our babies in a way that they can't. When you go down a road of trying, struggling, wanting a child so bad you can taste it and in my case being so close and having it ripped away- when... you get that moment to hold your baby, mothers who never struggle back away knowing you will be the better mommy. Not that you will care for your child better etc, but that you will know something and feel what she never will ♥ Gratefulness, patience paying off, and the joyful sleepless nights :) "
How true is this that she said. And as she said, i won't care for the child better- but someone who has just had a baby without ever trying won't feel the same way that people like us do when we have our babies. Having to have to try and go through losses- when the baby is finally in our arms.. what a joyous moment that will be....I can't wait for the joy!!
4 comments:
I 100% agree with your friend.
I literally spend every moment cherishing Natalie, and I can tell I am a different type of Mom than the majority of my friends. Some people think I over obsess with her. I just look at things differently. They don't realize that I consider Natalie a gift from God. An experience I was told I wouldn't have. So all the late nights she very often has, I look at more time to snuggle. And I appreciate every day, every moment [as you can often see with how much I click that camera] I very often feel happiness like my heart just may burst, and I still will randomly tear up watching her learn new things and get that excitement in her eyes.
You -WILL- experience it. Your body needs time to heal, and you Ma'am need to try and de-stress LOL I know it's cliche, but stress really does factor in when trying to get pregnant. So just keep working on feeling better.
I have several friends who went through miscarriages before having their baby, and if you ever want to talk with them, I am sure they wouldn't mind.
An extremely sweet girl in GA had two miscarriages, and now has a beautiful 8 month old. Another friend I recently met, went through something very similar to you. She had all the symptoms, and the positive test, but when it came time for that first sonogram, no baby was there. She had to go through having it removed, and it was very rough for her. That was a few months before yours, and she is proud to announce [today in fact] that they are now pregnant. I know both these girls would reach out to you if you needed to talk.
So know you are not alone. And this is something you can bounce back from. It is very easy to be the green eyed monster [Been there sweetie, it is so much harder in a military world of baby booms] But the bright side is, when it's your turn, it really, truly, is something so amazing
*Rhonda*
Thanks Rhonda! Thankfully I have a few friends who have been through the same thing that I have been able to talk to, and I found a great support group online that has helped a lot. I've learned so many things since and do pray we won't have to go through it again, but if it's God's will I can't argue with it. One of my favorite songs says, " And I know they'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain." I just cannot wait for the day R and I can hold our sweet little baby and enjoy all the time we can. People think i'm crazy because I say- i want it all- they can cut me open from front to back and all that jazz, it's so worth it to us!
hello, love I am just now reading all your blogs- I am so happy I was able to encourage you and bring up your spirits! I love you and believe you and I both will experience a beautiful baby and will appreciate it in ways mommy's who never had to try or experience loss haven't.
I am just now reading your blogs dear :) I am glad that I lifted your spirits and made you feel better, I am happy to have been an encouragement to you. I believe you and I both will hold our babies and we will appreciate it in ways mommy's who have never known loss or struggle ever could.
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